JerryK

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About JerryK

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    Advanced Member
  • Birthday 02/03/1944
  1. You\'ve got to be creative in this day and age!:cheers:
  2. 1- I used to eat a lot of natural foods until I learned that most people die of natural causes..2- There are two kinds of pedestrians . . . The quick and the dead.3- Life is sexually transmitted.4- Healthy is merely the slowest possible rate at which one can die.5- The only difference between a rut and a grave is the depth.6- Health nuts are going to feel stupid someday, lying in hospitals dying of nothing.7- Have you noticed since everyone has a cell phone these days no one talks about seeing UFOs like they used to?8- Whenever I feel blue, I start breathing again.9- All of us could take a lesson from the weather. It pays no attention to criticism.10- In the 60\'s, people took acid to make the world weird. Now the world is weird and people take Prozac to make it normal.11- How is it one careless match can start a forest fire, but it takes a whole box to start a campfire?12- Who was the first person to look at a cow and say, \'I think I\'ll squeeze these dangly things and drink whatever comes out\'? Hmmmmm, How about eggs ? . . .13- If Jimmy cracks corn and no one cares, why is there a song about him?14- Why does your OB-GYN leave the room when you get undressed if they are going to look up there anyway?16- If corn oil is made from corn, and vegetable oil is made from vegetables, then what is baby oil made from?17- Do illiterate people get the full effect of Alphabet Soup?18- Does pushing the elevator button more than once make it arrive faster?19- Why doesn\'t glue stick to the inside of the bottle?20- Do you ever wonder why you gave me your email address?
  3. I was reading an article in a Missouri Hunting magazine and I thought this was a good time to remind everyone that if you are going on a hike anywhere, to be sure take some basic survival gear with you and a little food and water.Some Basic knowledge of survival camping will go along way with the gear to keep you you alive to be found by searchers.\" . . . Be sure to have a good map on hand before wandering into the big woods. I live not far from the area and recall that no\". t so many years ago a deer hunter got turned around on a late-season hunt and was caught in a sudden winter storm. It took several days for searchers to find his frozen remains, which were relatively close to his truck but off the established path.\" Jerry
  4. The blonde female mortician asks the deceased\'s wife how she would like the body dressed. She points out that the man does look good in the black suit he is already wearing.The widow, however, says that she always thought her husband looked his best in blue, and that she wants him in a blue suit. She gives the Blonde mortician a blank check and says, \'I don\'t care what it costs, but please have my husband in a blue suit for the viewing.\'The woman returns the next day for the funeral. To her delight, she finds her husband dressed in a gorgeous blue suit with a subtle chalk stripe; the suit fits him perfectly...She says to the mortician, \'Whatever this cost, I\'m very satisfied.. You did an excellent job and I\'m very grateful. How much did you spend?\' To her astonishment, the blonde mortician presents her with the blank check.\'There\'s no charge,\' she says.\'No, really, I must compensate you for the cost of that exquisite blue suit! she says.\'Honestly, ma\'am,\' the blonde says, \'it cost nothing. You see, a deceased gentleman of about your husband\'s size was brought in shortly after you left yesterday, and he was wearing an attractive blue suit. I asked his wife if she minded him going to his grave wearing a black suit instead, and she said it made no difference as long as he looked nice.\'\'So I just switched the heads.\'
  5. Two old veterans chatting on a bench at a park.........Dwayne asked Lonnie. \"Do you remember that stuff they used to put in our coffee during the war, to make us forget about women?\"Lonnie replied \"I think you mean salt peter.Dwayne. \"Yep, that\'s the stuff. I think it\'s beginning to work!\"
  6. So very true!
  7. King Arthur and the Witch: Young King Arthur was ambushed and imprisoned by the monarch of a neighboring kingdom. The monarch could have killed him but was moved by Arthur\'s youth and ideals. So, the monarch offered him his freedom, as long as he could answer a very difficult question. Arthur would have a year to figure out the answer and, if after a year, he still had no answer, he would be put to death.The question?...What do women really want? Such a question would perplex even the most knowledgeable man, and to young Arthur, it seemed an impossible query. But, since it was better than death, he accepted the monarch\'s proposition to have an answer by year\'s end.He returned to his kingdom and began to poll everyone: the princess, the priests, the wise men and even the court jester. He spoke with everyone, but no one could give him a satisfactory answer.Many people advised him to consult the old witch, for only she would have the answer.But the price would be high; as the witch was famous throughout the kingdom for the exorbitant prices she charged.The last day of the year arrived and Arthur had no choice but to talk to the witch. She agreed to answer the question, but he would have to agree to her price first.The old witch wanted to marry Sir Lancelot, the most noble of the Knights of the Round Table and Arthur\'s closest friend!Young Arthur was horrified. She was hunchbacked and hideous, had only one tooth, smelled like sewage, made obscene noises, etc. He had never encountered such a repugnant creature in all his life.He refused to force his friend to marry her and endure such a terrible burden; but Lancelot, learning of the proposal, spoke with Arthur. He said nothing was too big of a sacrifice compared to Arthur\'s life and the preservation of the Round Table.Hence, a wedding was proclaimed and the witch answered Arthur\'s question thus: What a woman really wants, she answered....is to be in charge of her own life.Everyone in the kingdom instantly knew that the witch had uttered a great truth and that Arthur\'s life would be spared.And so it was, the neighboring monarch granted Arthur his freedom and Lancelot and the witch had a wonderful wedding.The honeymoon hour approached and Lancelot, steeling himself for a horrific experience, entered the bedroom. But, what a sight awaited him. The most beautiful woman he had ever seen lay before him on the bed. The astounded Lancelot asked what had happened.The beauty replied that since he had been so kind to her when she appeared as a witch, she would henceforth, be her horrible deformed self only half the time and the beautiful maiden the other half.Which would he prefer? Beautiful during the day....or night?Lancelot pondered the predicament. During the day, a beautiful woman to show off to his friends, but at night, in the privacy of his castle, an old witch? Or, would he prefer having a hideous witch during the day, but by night, a beautiful woman for him to enjoy wondrous intimate moments?What would YOU do?What Lancelot chose is below. BUT....make YOUR choice before you scroll down below. OKAY?Noble Lancelot said that he would allow HER to make the choice herself.Upon hearing this, she announced that she would be beautiful all the time because he had respected her enough to let her be in charge of her own life.Now....what is the moral to this story?The moral is..... If you don\'t let a woman have her own way.... Things are going to get ugly!
  8. A couple of old guys were golfing when one mentioned he was going to go to Dr. Smith for a new set of dentures in the morning. His elderly buddy remarked that he, too, had gone to the very same dentist two years before. \"Is that so?\" asked the first old guy. \"Did he do a good job?\" The second oldster replied, \"Well, I was on the golf course yesterday when a guy on the next fairway hooked a shot. The ball must have been going at least 200 mph when it smacked me right in the testicles.\" The first old guy was confused and asked, \"What does that have to do with your dentures?\"\"It was the first time in two years my teeth didn\'t hurt.....\"
  9. An attorney arrived home late, after a very tough day trying to get a stay of execution. His last minute plea for clemency to the governor had failed and he was feeling worn out and depressed.As soon as he walked through the door at home, his wife started on him about , \'What time of night to be getting home is this? Where have you been? Dinner is cold and I\'m not reheating it\'. And on and on and on.Too shattered to play his usual role in this familiar ritual, he poured himself a shot of whiskey and headed off for a long hot soak in the bathtub, pursued by the predictable sarcastic remarks as he dragged himself up the stairs.While he was in the bath, the phone rang. The wife answered and was told that her husband\'s client, James Wright, had been granted a stay of execution after all. Wright would not be hanged tonight.Finally realizing what a terrible day he must have had, she decided to go upstairs and give him the good news. As she opened the bathroom door, she was greeted by the sight of her husband, bent over naked, drying his legs and feet.\'They\'re not hanging Wright tonight,\' she said.He whirled around and screamed, \'FOR THE LOVE OF GOD WOMAN, DON\'T YOU EVER STOP?!\'
  10. A balding, white haired man from Chebacco , Florida, walked into a jewelry store this past Friday evening with a beautiful much younger gal at his side. He told the jeweler he was looking for a special ring for his girlfriend. The jeweler looked through his stock and brought out a $5,000 ring.The man said, No, Id like to see something a little more special.At that statement, the jeweler went to his special stock and brought another ring over. Here\'s a stunning ring at only $40,000 the jeweler said. The lady\'s eyes sparkled and her whole body trembled with excitement.The old man seeing this said, Well take it.The jeweler asked how payment would be made and the man stated, By check. I know you need to make sure my check is good, so Ill write it now and you can call the bank Monday to verify the funds and Ill pick the ring up Monday afternoon.On Monday morning, the jeweler angrily phoned the old man and said, There\'s no money in that account.I know, said the old man, But let me tell you about MY GREAT WEEKEND!See. Not All Seniors Are Senile.
  11. Jim decided to tie the knot with his long time girlfriend. One evening, after the honeymoon, he was cleaning his golf shoes. His wife was standing there watching him. After a long period of silence she finally speaks. \"Honey, I\'ve been thinking, now that we are married I think it\'s time you quit golfing. Maybe you should sell your golf clubs.\" Jim gets this horrified look on his face. She says, \"Darling, what\'s wrong?\" ”There for a minute you were sounding like my ex-wife.” \"Ex wife!\" she screams, \"I didn\'t know you were married before!\" ”I wasn\'t!“
  12. During her physical examination, a doctor asked a retired woman about her physical activity level. The woman said she spent 3 days a week, every week in the outdoors. \"Well, yesterday afternoon was typical; I took a five hour walk about 7 miles through some pretty rough terrain. I waded along the edge of a lake. I pushed my way through 2 miles of brambles. I got sand in my shoes and my eyes. I barely avoided stepping on a snake. I climbed several rocky hills. I went to the bathroom behind some big trees. I ran away from an irate mother bear and then ran away from one angry bull Elk. The mental stress of it all left me shattered. At the end of it all I drank a scotch and three glasses of wine. Amazed by the story, the doctor said, \"You must be one hell of an outdoor woman!\" \"No,\" the woman replied, \"I\'m just a really, really Crappy golfer\"
  13. Yes, everything is back to normal now. Thank you to whom ever fixed the problem. Jerry :clap: